Put Down The Shovel

I think there are few things that make me feel worse than being made to feel like an idiot.

Like, when my purse was stolen ... I was more upset that I was stupid enough to leave it hanging on the hook in the bathroom than I was that they took my money and my phone.

I felt like such an idiot this weekend. I really thought that this time would be different. I don't know why -- there was never any reason to think that would be the case. But I thought this time ... I really wanted to believe that things had changed.

Kelly says that I should never stop giving people the benefit of the doubt, because that's why I'm the kind of person I am. That I want to be the kind of person who gives people the benefit of the doubt.

Maybe. But I feel like I get burned over and over again by continuing to give certain people the benefit of the doubt. At what point does it become time to just give up on somebody?

My dad always says, when you find yourself in a hole, put down the shovel. I think it's time to put down the shovel.

But when did it become too much to expect somebody to grow up, follow through and give a damn?

And really, why even bother pretending that you will, when in the end you know you're not going to.

But here's my question -- was he scared because he didn't want to deal with this stuff, or was he scared because he did?

It's funny how, just when you think you're about to close up some wound from your past, something happens to tear a gaping hole in it again.

Maybe this time I can leave it alone -- not pick at it or make it bleed -- just let it heal. It will leave a scar, because it's been irritated too much. But maybe that will just serve as a reminder of what once was. And maybe, in time, it will start to fade.

My yesterdays are all boxed up and neatly put away
But every now and then you come to mind
Cause you were always waiting to be picked to play the game
But when your name was called, you found a place to hide
When you knew that I was always on your side

Well everything was easy then, so sweet and innocent
But your demons and your angels reappeared
Leaving only traces of the man you thought you'd be
Leaving me with no place left to go from here
Leaving me with so many questions all these years

Is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear?
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear?
Or are you left to wander, all alone, eternally?
This isn't how it's really meant to be
No it isn't how it's really meant to be

Well they say that love is in the air, but never is it clear,
How to pull it close and make it stay
Butterflies are free to fly, and so they fly away
And I'm left to carry on and wonder why
Even through it all, I'm always on your side

-- "Always On Your Side," Sheryl Crowe